My sister recently introduced me to a book titled Asking For It: The Alarming Rise of Rape Culture and What We Can Do About It by Kate Harding. She shared that reading it was an emotional experience and that at one point caused her to take a break from it. Even so, she suggested to my father that he should read it. My father responded with, “Why do I need to read a book about rape culture?” as if he were saying, “Why should that matter to me?” In that moment, I was frozen with shock, my sister paused, and my father looked confused.
If I had thought faster in that moment, my response would have been, “You have two daughters, both at an age where rape culture is very prevalent in our lives, so you should care. Not only should rape culture be a personal issue for you but it is also a moral issue as it is related to the societal oppression of women, and as a human being, you should want equal human rights for all people.”
My father’s response was and is a common one among boys and men. In Gloria Steinem’s now famous 1978 article, “If Men Could Menstruate,” she explores the hypothetical situation if men menstruated instead of women to show how men seem to only care about issues that directly affect them. She writes that if men menstruated, then it would be an “event” and menstruation would be “envied.” Haveone one’s period would even be considered manly and there would be federal funding poured into researching monthly cycles. The essay humorously explores that men only seem to care about issues that are personal to them.
But, can we blame men for not supporting women or should we blame society? We can’t blame specific men because it is society that is perpetuating these gender expectations. But, because society is still controlled by the patriarchy, we can in some ways hold men largely responsible for this issue. In order to fix this sexist notion that men don’t need to care about women’s issues, we must begin the conversation of gender with young boys.
One of the best ways to begin this conversation is at school.
Teaching boys and men that girls and women are equals starts not just by talking about it but also by demonstrating it to them at a young age. In Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s book, We Should All Be Feminists, she shares a childhood story about how only boys were made the class monitor (an important leadership role) at her school. Adichie writes that “if only boys are made class monitor then we assume that only boys CAN BE class monitor.” Because boys see only other boys in power positions they begin to think that certain jobs and positions are only for them.
Not only does this facilitate the idea that boys are superior to girls but it also facilitates other feelings of dominance such as white supremacy along with other oppressive systems such as homophobia and religious bigotry. It facilitates thinking that there is a hierarchy of humans with men and boys at the top. In order to challenge this hierarchy we must have diversity in our leadership positions with different marginalized groups being represented. We need to start this diversity of leadership in places such as children’s classrooms.
We must equip boys with the language to practice true equity. Black feminist Angela Davis says in her essay, “Difficult Dialogues” that the “demand for women’s studies, like the demand for Black studies, Chicano/Latino, Asian American, Native American studies, are linked to a larger quest for equality, justice, freedom.” Teaching this range of classes not only in college but also in high school and middle school allows for more conversations and thought about not only feminism but all movements that are working to resist and eliminate oppression. These classes incorporate diverse histories into the curricula other than that of white American and European men. This helps teach young people and children that there are varying narratives that reveal the human condition and experience.
In these classes, we must communicate to boys how marginalized groups face obstacles everyday. We must start by addressing discrimination based on gender. Adichie writes that “many men don’t actively think about gender or notice gender.” Boys do not notice gender because they do not personally experience marginalization. Boys can be taught from a very young age that the oppression of women and girls includes the oppression of women and girls of color, queer people, disabled communities, and other marginalized groups. Hopefully somewhere within those identities, a boy will be able to see a connection to himself.
If we want to get boys to understand and see gender we can start by getting them to understand and see their own masculinity, or at least how they learned notions of masculinity. Feminism doesn’t only explore gender expectations related to women but also those of men. Adichie writes that, “We stifle the humanity of boys… Masculinity is a hard small cage and we put boys inside this cage.” To get more boys and men engaged in dismantling sexism and misogyny, we must engage them in exploring how their own self-worth is not connected to being in a position of dominance.
This process of breaking down toxic masculinity involves self-reflection. As Adichie says, we must learn to “recognize how we are, rather than how we should be.” This self-reflection should happen in safe places where judgment and shame are not present. Self- reflection allows for people to better define themselves and teaches them how to step back from situations to see how they have perpetuated forms of oppression.
Getting men and boys to care about the feminist movement and possibly define themselves as feminists is a process that should begin at a young age and carry throughout adulthood. By supporting men who defy male gender expectations and supporting boys who do not follow the culture of toxic masculinity set by our society, we will eventually begin to dismantle all forms of violence everywhere.
My father, sister, and I continued our conversation about why he should know about rape culture. We shared with him our personal stories about sexual harassment to show that the idea of rape culture is prevalent in our own lives. By the end of our conversation, I could see that he began to recognize and worry about us as women. When we began talking about the prevalence of campus rape, you could see in his face that he realized the reality that his own daughters are facing.
My next step with talking to him is getting him to see the bigger picture of how the oppression and silencing of women is not just an isolated instance related to the women in his family, but rather it is taught throughout our society and must be stopped by collective action by everyday men just like him.